Press Pause

Stabber goes on rampage. One college freshman is dead.

Childhood friend dies of cancer following his 10 year battle.

Boyfriend of four and a half years breaks up with me.

It took everything for me to get out of bed this morning. My mind is occupied by a hundred different things on top of final exams happening. Like now. It seems as though every day brings bad news even worse than the day before. I know I should be studying for my Italian 4 exam right now but I just cannot focus on that until I get it all out.

So here it is.

In reality, I have never met Harrison Brown or his family. I had never even heard of the kid before Monday. But seeing his simple video of him singing and playing guitar circulate really got to me. This was someone’s child who was mercilessly stabbed to death for no reason. None.

Three weeks ago, one of my childhood friends released news that he had three weeks left  to live. Having fought leukemia since he was 10, his body is frail and years of fighting has worn him down. The news is still extremely painful, and even though we haven’t talked in a while, I still care very much. Tobin was one of two friends to attend my graduation party in high school that was mainly family. He was the only boy my parents let me study with outside of school. He invited me to his Halloween party every single year without fail. And they were some of my favorite high school memories. His family was known for being very funny and wholeheartedly generous. And part of me is guilty for growing further and further from him every year.

I wish we could have kept in touch. I wish our paths had crossed more often and like everyone else, I wish my time wasn’t up with him.

On a more personal level, things are starting to fall apart. My boyfriend, whom I started dating in 2012, is no longer my boyfriend. Compared to everything else going on, something like this would normally seem irrelevant. However, I take relationships very, very seriously and have only ever had long term relationships. This one was one I thought I would have forever. Especially now, during a time when I need the most emotional support, his absence is taking a huge toll on me. I lost a piece of me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

All of this combined is very heavy on my heart, and more than anything I just need a huge ‘pause’ button specifically for life. I want everything to stop. Take a break. Just for a day or two while I recollect myself. But this is the real world, and just like there is no Command Z, there is no pause button.








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